Corporate Detox

I think I created this blog over a year ago. And I think this is the saddest blog ever created. Know why? Because it doesn't have a single post in it. Know why? My last job was too consuming and I had zero free time for my own personal blog.

Now I'm unemployed (along with the other 10% of Americans). The start-up-turned-Disney-owned company that used to employ me laid us off in early December. For the past two years, I have arduously worked as an editor of this green online publication from 9-6 M-F (and then some). It was a dream job with lots of perks, however, I have bitched, moaned, cried, broken down, etc. because of the amount of work, overwhelm, and responsibility that sat on my shoulders day after day. I truncated my yoga-teaching schedule down to nothing because I didn't have that much to give at the end of my workday. I taught yoga to a few clients privately until the economy went topsy-turvy, and then I had none.

The ironic point of my ranting is this: I am having withdrawal symptoms from working a full time job.

de·tox·i·fy
to subject somebody to or undergo the withdrawal of a toxic or addictive substance such as alcohol or a drug.

Am I addicted to work? Am I a workaholic? Why can't I just enjoy this freedom of not having to be chained to my computer all day cranking out content, meeting deadlines, and responding to emails? What is lacking in me that I feel somewhat purposeless without my flooded inbox and deadlines to meet and people to report to? Is it ego-related? I feel like that guy Brooks from Shawshank Redemption who had been institutionalized most of his life and couldn't function being free and out of prison (minus the suicide of course). Maybe I'm just a masochist. Or perhaps have a codependency issues. Who knows? Whatever it is, I'm wondering if it will pass after this somewhat painful detoxification is complete. But maybe not. Maybe I'm just wired that way—a hard working Midwest girl.

I haven't been able to sit on my ass for the several weeks either. I've been hustling to make things happen: Freelance writing, going on job interviews for editorial positions, subbing and getting yoga teaching gigs. Phew. However, I honestly don't know if I'm cut out for the freelance-y life though. It sounds good in theory, but there's something really comforting to my type A self about structure, and getting a consistent paycheck every week.

And then there's this paradox that I've found: When I was working full time to make a decent living, I didn't ever seem to have enough vacation days to enjoy the money I earned and take a proper trip (and/or I felt I couldn't get away because only I could do my job). But now that I have a flexible schedule and more free form jobs that haven't been making me much money, I can't really afford to go on vacation. Big sigh.

I suppose I just need to dream bigger and get clear on what I want. I'm finishing up my vision board, and I've been trying to meditate daily again—whether it's passive (sitting and focusing on my breath or the sound of the rain), or active (writing, going for a walk, or finding the Zen in housework). And TGFY (thank God for yoga). Yoga saves. Yoga changed my life for the better. It helps remind me what's really important and helps me get out of my head. If I didn't have spirituality as the backdrop of my existence, I'm not sure what I would do or where I would be.